what you’re looking for will come. you’ll be twenty-one, twenty-four, thirty, thirty-six. your hands will look the same as they do now but with a small scar on your thumb. maybe with calloused fingertips, if you ever pick up your guitar again. you’ll have had your first apartment, your first love, your first car accident. you will understand how it goes to feel and win, and then to lose. for forty mornings in a row your second thought will be giving up on looking for it. if you were to look back, you’d smile at that. laugh even. your first thought on these mornings won’t be a full thought. it will be a hum of clarity with words that aren’t invented yet. it will be the residue of a dream. after what you’re looking for comes, you’ll have invented those words. one night you’re going to grab the scissors in your bathroom drawer and cut your hair uneven and shorter than you’re used to. you’ll look in the mirror with your shirt off, loose hair itching your shoulders. you’ll notice one of the lightbulbs has gone out above you, leaving you half illuminated. you tilt your chin up, keeping your eyes locked on yourself. you feel like half a human. a strong half, but still half. your friends laugh at your hair. you don’t blush or frown, you just let it grow. when what you’re looking for comes, your hair will be how you wanted it to be the first time you cut it. when it comes, you’ll have built yourself up. half of you won’t be missing. you can thank twenty years for that. thirty years. you can thank every loss and gain, every person that came and left, every book you’ve lost. you’ll have fragments missing but you hardly notice that anymore. you’ve come so far. when what you’re looking for comes, it will fill the small spaces you couldn’t find yourself. when what you’re looking for comes, you’ll exhale.
CONFETTI CHOCOLATE BARK with pomegranates, orange zest, ground pistachio & pink/purple coconut. For the bark I just melted 6 oz dark chocolate with 1 tbsp of coconut oil and a pinch of salt then poured it on parchment paper, added the toppings and let it set in the freezer for 1 hour. Just break into pieces and enjoy!!
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I’m not lonely. Not really. I’m exhausted. I’m aching.
I’m brimming with all this god damn affection, all these gesture, thoughts, feelings of intimacy, of strength, of love. I’m so god damn exhausted. I don’t want to settle, never have, so I won’t, so I haven’t.
I don’t want casual affairs where a man casts out admiration, banter, and lust waiting for me to bite. Only to reel me in, try to mishandle me, and prompted by my wildness, toss me back out. I don’t like to dance my way around hook after hook.
I’m mixing together all the men who may have loved me, all their good. None of the bad, and I’m concocting a mess of emotions. Two married, another lost but attached to someone else, one gone.
I’m listening to sad songs, with guttural truths spilled in the most beautiful ways. Crying onto the skin I’ve been taking better care of recently. Moisturize, exfoliate, hydrate. I’m watching and reading about difficult but grand romances. Of truly unadulterated love. I soak up the tears with my fingers, or the back of my hand. There’s only so many times I can say “I’m truly alone and I like it” and think it’s a good thing.
I’m exhausted.
I’m convinced fate will have me wait such a long fucking time.
I used to write about hope. I used to think with such excitement about meeting someone and knowing that they are the one I’ll spend my life beside. Now, I’m just exhausted.
It’s not that I need to lean on someone, or have someone complete me. It’s that I want to look beside me as I conquer my goals, and see someone conquering theirs. Us. Conquering ones together.
There’s only so many times I can look at that empty place beside me and still feel hope instead of resigned to my fate. Or at least that’s what it feels like.
These summer nights. Long days, plans, dreams. I’ve carved away at the bad parts of my life, and am shoring up the good. I just feel that there’s someone meant to be beside me, a phantom. Maybe that’s just how it’ll be. People will come in and out of my life, soulmates in the form of friends, or loved ones. But, that place where one should stay…. I suppose that will just still leave me exhausted.
thank you for teaching me to expect the unexpected; especially in people. and thank you for teaching me to take a chance, cause I took a chance on you and you changed my world. You changed everything. You changed my view on the world. On love. On life. You taught me how to truly love and I’m forever grateful for that. thank you for being you.
Because most of us spend the majority
of our time indoors, NASA conducted a
Clean Air Study to determine which
common houseplants are the best for
filtering harmful toxins like ammonia
and formaldehyde from the air.
**Please note: Several of these plants are known to be toxic to cats, dogs and other pets. If you are a pet owner, please do check the toxicity of plants before introducing them to your home.**
